Gloryhammer - Legends from Beyond the Galactic Terrorvortex

Gloryhammer Legends from Beyond the Galactic Terrorvortex cover
Legends from Beyond the Galactic Terrorvortex
Napalm Records
If there’s a god he must be punishing me for sins that I have not atoned for, by making me review bands like Gloryhole… sorry I meant Gloryhammer.
Gloryhammer perform cliché-ridden third-rate power metal of the Europower variety, with lyrics that give cheesy a whole new layer of Chedar. They feature a circus worthy ensemble of second-rate musicians, who perform quantized parts in tights.
They are mixing the worst aspects of Rhapsody (of Fire long extinguished) with Alestorm whose singer and keyboard player (probably the man with the poorest choice of key sounds) is responsible for starting both of these “metal” travesty bands to allegedly parody bad power metal, but ended up being successful in producing copious amounts of it.
I might have not minded it, if the band had just died out quietly in some corner of the co(s)mic universe of Space Dundee (which makes me wish I had chosen Edinburgh, over Scumdee for my studies), but such “joke” bands as Van Canto and Gloryhole seem to really attract a fair bit of fandom, mostly of nerds/cosplayers, who are thus exposed to subpar examples of what the genre can produce at its zenith.
Out of the ten cuts on the album, “The Land of Unicorns”, which copies Rhapsody heavily, is half acceptable, but other than the odd riff here or there, this is not only becoming tiresome (they mention Dundee more times than Manowar mention “Steel” for fucksake), but it’s not even funny anymore, if it ever was (in some twisted way).
Kill these “quantized” metal monotremes, before they lay eggs. Please do it for the glory of Dundee. Do it for the glory of metal. Do it for peace. I don’t care why you’d do it, just as long as you do it…